He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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