On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
