I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I've blown a few things in my day
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
