I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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