did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
