awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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