Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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