Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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