Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
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