He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
