I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize