He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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