She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
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