Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
