So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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