i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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