toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
My first STD was from a foam party
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
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