the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
