my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
