your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
