I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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