i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
