Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
