I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize