my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
