he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
