Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
