I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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