i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Houston, we have a blender
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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