successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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