Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
being pregnant is like rehab
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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