toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
ugly people sure do ruin things
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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