I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
