i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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