Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Randomize
