I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
