How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Randomize
