Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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