If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
