Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
