Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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