Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
