I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
