The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
