Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
