i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
my phone needs a breathalizer
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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