bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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