Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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