I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
