please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
did i walk over a car last night?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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