I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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