So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
dude. I can hear the air.
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