You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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