when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
