Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize