Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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