Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
