I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
