Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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