Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
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