No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
