Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
