Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
