we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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