my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
