U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
