what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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