Too much gin, very little bucket
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
