Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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