just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize