i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
