you guys were way drunker than both of me
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
