just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
