my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I could make wine with my vomit
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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