have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
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